Monday, 6 December 2010

About a sale, and about great expectations ... a bit of a rant!

About a sale - it's nice to be able to announce that 'Grandma's Recipe' sold at the 2010 City of Dunedin Art Exhibition. It was purchased by a couple from Gisborne - and I hope that they get many years of enjoyment looking at it. 

Great expectations - a bit of a rant. A friend remarked yesterday that I have not been posting any 'meningioma diary' posts lately. I replied that I just could not be bothered .......... but that isn't entirely true. The real truth is that I have lost heart in writing about it, and have even begun to feel almost guilty for mentioning it! 

You develop a potentially life-threatening 'condition'. You digest the news. You weigh the options. You gratefully accept the available treatment on offer. The hopes and expectations of those around you are that the treatment will be successful and that you will recover in a reasonable amount of time. In fact that you will be soon be pretty much the same as you were before.

As someone said on TV the other day in a programme about cancer - "People want you get well quickly or hurry up and die and get it over with".

Ah, yes, the expectations of others.

I mean, let's face it, it's depressing for everyone if their kind enquiries as to your current state are met with something like the truth

"Well, actually, although I am pretty good there are some days when I feel like s--t. And I don't know why this is. And the neurologist doesn't know why this is.

My head often hurts and I get shooting pains in my left ear. I get dizzy. I am still getting nausea, especially at night when I am lying down. My memory is definitely getting worse ......... I often cannot remember the names of people, things and events. Finding the 'right word' when I am speaking seems to be getting increasingly difficult.

I could not accurately tell you what I did or where I was on any day last week.

Is this the effect of the meningioma? Is it an after-effect from radiation? Is it dementia? Is it my imagination? Whatever it is it's distressing.

Although something like 90% of meningiomas are benign I don't know for sure that mine is not malignant. Without a biopsy no-one can be absolutely certain, and Feckit's location was not suitable for biopsy or surgery.

And although radio-surgery treatment is relatively safe and has a high success rate there are no guarantees. Feckit may start growing again ......... hopefully it won't.

But, thus far, the signs are good in that Feckit has remained the same size. Although I would really like it to get smaller! But the specialist tells me this may not happen ........ or it may happen but very slowly. Like over the next 5 - 10 years."

So YES, I know I am very lucky and my brain tumour is most likely a benign one. And YES, I have had the best available treatment and so far so good. And YES, I count my blessings (as someone suggested only last week!). And YES, I am trying my best to live a 'normal' life.

Yes, I am trying to meet those Great Expectations but I shall never be quite the same.